For those who are not in the know, I am a Real Life Beast Master. No, really! See, I work at a pet store, and specifically in the section of the store that actually deals with animals. So if you were to visit my store, you wouldn’t find me stocking the shelves or manning the cash register. No, I’d be the short girl with dark hair walking around fishing out individual comet goldfish for the overly picky discerning customer, chasing loose crickets, feeding animals and cleaning cages, probably with a sleepy chameleon perched on her shoulder.

Yes, mine is a unique position in that I can actually pick out several abilities and talents from my class in World of Warcraft and remark that I use them near-daily. Observe…

1. Beast Lore: What do hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, rats, mice, chinchillas, parakeets, cockatiels, conures, finches, canaries, bearded dragons, leopard geckos, anoles, water dragons, chameleons, turtles, tortoises, uromastyx, frogs, toads, snakes, crested geckos, and over a hundred species of freshwater fish have in common?

I can tell you what they all eat and how often, what sort of habitat each needs, and who can live with who.

Of course, I didn’t know all of that naturally, oh no. This job has the steepest learning curve I’ve ever climbed. Fortunately, you get to a point where you learn that certain animals are like certain other animals and make assumptions on their behavior that are relatively accurate. This is especially true with fish: most large tetras act one way, most small tetras another, et al. And once you figure out where a certain reptile’s natural habitat is (forest, desert, rainforest, etc.) it’s pretty easy to build them up a good habitat. Of course, if you get a completely new animal in, it’s off to the books to figure it out. Beast Lore, indeed!

2. Feed Pet: We have dozens of different types of pet food as well as things like crickets, worms, and yes, frozen mice at our disposal. Gotta know who eats what! Needless to say this is done twice a day, every day.

3. Mend Pet: No matter how well you care for an animal, there is always the chance that it will get sick. Hamsters in particular have a tendency to contract diarrhea, or as we call it in the parlance, “wet-tail”. You will occasionally see other ailments as well, or certain critters (mice mostly, those are brutal little guys) will beat each other up. Fortunately, with the help of a few different specialist vets in the area, we are usually able to nurse them back to full health. Applying salves and creams to wounds and rashes or giving (very) reluctant critters a drop of medicine out of a syringe is something I’ve had to master the art of.

4. Wing Clip: Parakeets are the most common recipient of this IRL hunter ability, and it has to be done just right; clip the wings too short and you risk injuring the bird, but leave them too long and the bird can still fly.

It may sound silly or strange, but every time I have to do it, I can’t help but really feel the responsibility I have as a “Real Life Beast Master”. By clipping a bird’s wings, you are taking away possibly their most precious commodity: flight. You have to hope that what you are giving them in exchange– a chance to form a friendship and bond with a future owner– is worth the price.

5. Tame Beast: A conure is a type of small parrot. They are very intelligent, and when they first come to our store, they are inevitably very wild and afraid of people. However, if you spend a little time with them every day, they warm up to people really fast. Magic, or Tame Beast? You decide!

6. Distracting Shot: Aforementioned conures like to be really loud and noisy if you are anywhere in the vicinity, because they want attention. The trick to keeping your eardrums intact while you do work in their area is to give them something shiny to play with, such as keys. Presto! All’s quiet again. Gotta love a good distraction.

7. Bestial Wrath: Okay, okay, so this isn’t something I use personally. But have you ever seen an angry hamster? Have you? If not, you don’t want to see one. Especially those Dwarf Hamsters. *shudder* Believe me, I encounter this one a lot.

8. Animal Handler: Learning the fine art of picking up a Dwarf Hamster (remember what I said about them earlier) and not having your finger instantly demolished takes a lot of practice. Always good to have two points in this talent for my job, I say…

9. Cobra Strikes: I sometimes have customers comment on my fearlessness around snakes. The truth is, I am rather fond of snakes, and aside from the smell of warm preservative (love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning…? Not really x_x) , feeding snakes is one of my favorite things to do at work. You wiggle a mouse in front of their face with a pair of tongs and they sit there and watch it and watch it and watch it and then they STRIKE! when you least expect it. You have to learn to let go of the mouse right away so they can gulp it down. A lot of fun to watch, if you ask me. I try to apply a similar technique when catching birds with a net. I’m apparently pretty good at it.

10. Readiness: Because you never know when an anole is going to leap out of the cage when you have it open and you’ll have to make a dive for it (literally).

As you can see, “being a hunter” and “going to work” are pretty dang similar for me. Unfortunately, my hunter has a few things that my real-life persona doesn’t, and here are the top three in my book:

1. Improved Tracking: So far in my pet-store-career I’ve personally lost a Crocodile Gecko and a Chinese Water Dragon, both of which leapt out of their cages, landed on my face, and proceeded to disappear. What I wouldn’t give for a better way to find the tricky lil’ buggers.

2. The Beast Within: For the more pesky customers, since they do come in once in a while. I actually have access to this one but I must keep it leashed in the name of a paycheck.

3. Feign Death: For the days when I’m just not feelin’ it. “Hey guys, I can’t come into work today, I’m dead.”

Really though, other than the oh-so-sucky retail schedule and the whole having-to-deal-with-too-many-people thing, I rather enjoy my job. It’s fun and interesting, the days fly by, and hey, who else gets to say that they are, in a roundabout sort of way, still playing WoW while at work?

Beast Master in real life? You better believe it!